Here For You
by littleoblivion
Summary: First Criminal Minds fic, reader insert! 'You thought this job at the BAU would solve all of your problems, but you find yourself struggling to survive.' Trigger warning: discussion of anxiety, depression, suicide


**Hello! I am back with my first fanfic in... god, years. Sorry for cutting out- I got my bachelor's degree then moved to NYC! Hectic times. Anywho, here's a piece that I originally submitted to the _Imagining Criminal Minds_ tumblr account. (Find me: the theatrelady.) It's my first Criminal Minds fic and my first reader insert as well. I hop you all enjoy. -Jordo)**

It had been a long, long day and it didn't seem as though it would end anytime soon. You had been... Overjoyed when you had landed this job with the BAU. Nervous to be working with such brilliant minds on horrifying cases, yes, but primarily just excited. Excited to work with these people you admired and ready to prove to everyone what you were capable of.

And then it hit. The depression and anxiety you had run from for as long as you could had been at your dream job for three months and now from the moment you pulled away from your house to drive to Quantico, the gnawing fear began churning away in your stomach. You would try singing along to the radio, doing the breathing exercises your therapist had taught you, drum your fingers on the steering wheel, _anything._ Because as soon as parked your car you had to put on your game face. You had a job to do. People were depending on you and you could not afford to let them down.

After a long case, especially if the ending had been less than picturesque, you would find yourself up all night with that other bedfellow: depression. At night, you would hear the voice inside whisper that you weren't good enough. That you were dragging the team down, people were dying because of your mistakes. Why couldn't you just do something right for once in your life? Of course, in the past you had managed this by seeing your therapist, adjusting your meds until your head was above water again. But your schedule was incredibly hectic. You would be gone for days, even weeks and only have a few days at home before you were flying back across the country. You had skipped several appointments, and then you had run out of meds completely. You could feel the gray lapping at your ankles, up your legs, sneaking its tendrils around your torso, wanting to drag you into the darkness.

But you couldn't let that happen. For heaven's sake, you were a Columbia grad who snagged her dream job just a few years after college! You couldn't let these people know what was going on in your head. So every morning you made sure to step into the BAU with a bright, self assured smile on your face. You kept your personality bright and happy so that no one would know that you straddling the ledge. You had no choice but to fake it until you eventually made it.

"Y/N?" You looked up to find Morgan standing in front of you. His eyebrow was cocked up, his eyes searching your own. He had obviously asked you a question.

"I'm sorry... I must have zoned out for a moment."

"It's okay, little one. Happens to the best of us." You smiled at the pet name he had given you. Being several years younger than your new coworkers, they had adapted a little sister mentality where you concerned. It was very sweet, but it only served to remind you how far you had to go in order to reach their level. "I was just saying that we better hit the hay. It'll be an early start tomorrow and we'll need rest to catch this bastard." You nodded and plastered a smile on your face.

"Right. Of course! I'll go ahead and head up then." You waved goodnight and got on the elevator which was blissfully empty. You pinched the bridge of your nose and softly banged your head against the wall behind you. _Y/N, you have to get it together. You cannot fall apart right now, people are depending on you. If you don't catch this serial killer he will strike again and that's on you._ The elevator dinged at your floor and you proceeded to the room you were sharing with JJ. You opened the door to find the blonde agent sitting on her bed in an oversized tee shirt and running shorts, pouring over files.

"Hey." She said, glancing up. "Any leads?"

You couldn't help but sigh as you kicked off your shoes. "No. No new communication, no connections between the victims, absolutely nothing." You must have let your frustration and disappointment leak into your voice because JJ closed her folder to look at you.

"We're going to find this guy, Y/N. We will. It's only a matter of time before he messes up. We're going to find him."

The hot, frantic energy you had been fighting all day pulsed through your body. You couldn't help but open and close your hands a few times, trying to discreetly relieve this feeling. "But what if we're too late? What if he strikes again? What if we fail?" The words poured out before you could stop them.

She furrowed her brows. "I know that sometimes this job can seem hopeless, but we're doing all we can. We're the best of the best. We will stop this man." You turned away from JJ to change into pajamas, but also to hide your face. You were not the best of the best. You were an impostor. "Are you okay? I'm always here if you need to talk."

You forced your lips into a small smile as you turned back to face her. "I'll be fine. I just need some sleep and I'll be good to go." She nodded as you slid beneath the comforter on your bed. You set an alarm on your phone and turned to face the wall as the tears began to make their way down your cheeks.

The next morning came hard and fast. You had barely made it own to the hotel conference room when the call came in from Garcia; she had found a man fitting the profile who knew all three victims. You barely had time to process the news before you and the team were racing for the en route you listened to Garcia explain the connection. The unsub was 24 year old Daniel Gregory, a former grad student at the local university. He had been thrown out of the program after he had been caught cheating and his previous victims were a professor and a former girlfriend. He was currently holding a young woman named Carrie Jones who had been accepted for the internship he had been gunning for. You arrived at the university in record time and everyone was given different routes to search. You and Morgan entered through the North entrance and headed left to the biology laboratories. One by one you both cleared the classrooms. You forced your face to remain neutral but the sweaty palms that made it difficult to grip your gun didn't lie.

You were about to declare a room clear when you heard a small sniffle from the shadows. You swallowed hard and crept closer. Rounding the corner you saw Carrie tied up to a chair with duck tape over her mouth. Behind her stood Daniel. He was holding a gun to her temple.

"Don't move. Don't move or I'll shoot." His voice shook and you could see the tears in his eyes. You slowly put your gun on the ground then raised your hands in a surrender position.

"Daniel, do you know who I am? My name is Y/N, I work for the FBI."

"What are you doing here?" His free hand came up to sweep his sweaty hair off of his forehead.

"I know that you killed Dr. Whitely. I also know you killed your ex girlfriend Erica. But what I don't get is why? Daniel you're so smart, why are you doing this?"

"BECAUSE THEY DID THIS TO ME! ALL OF THEM!" He pressed the gun harder against Carrie's temple.

"Hey, hey Daniel, talk to me. What did they do?"

"All I've ever wanted was to be a scientist, okay? Since before I can remember. And everything was going it wasn't. All of a sudden I was anxious all the time. And I couldn't do anything right. And everything was crashing down on me. And then one day I come home to find my girlfriend in bed with some, some foreign exchange student. Like I didn't even matter!"

Out of the very corner of your eye, you could see Morgan approaching. "That must have really hurt, Daniel. That's an awful thing to do."

He nodded. "She wasn't even apologetic. She laughed in my face and then she broke up with me! After that, I couldn't shake it. I was so sad all of the time. It felt like I was carrying around all of this weight and I couldn't breathe. And then I find myself in Dr. Whitely's class and we have our midterm that I didn't study for. It's like I could actually see all of my dreams slipping away from me."

"So you cheated."

"I didn't have a choice! But I got caught. And then I got thrown out of school and now they're just handing away my internship like I didn't even exist. No one understands what I am going through!"

You speak without even thinking. "I do."

He blinks at you, not believing it. "You? Some hotshot FBI agent? You don't know what it's like-"

"What it's like to wake up every morning knowing that you will never be good enough? To have to put on a smile and fake a laugh so that everyone thinks your okay even though you really just want to cry and scream not face anyone? To cry every single night by yourself because everyone around you is just fine and you are slowly self destructing?" You pause to lick your lips. "I know how you feel. I know what it's like to dread every single day because you can't hide from the feeling that you're a fraud and everyone hates you and always will. But you know what else I know?" He swallowed and shook his head. "That this is not the answer. Taking out all of your pain on Carrie isn't going to make you feel any better."

"It was my internship!"

"I know that but you need to-"

"I don't need to do anything, but this!" You see him pull the gun away from Carrie's temple and bring it to his own head. You try to lunge for him before he can pull the trigger but you are too late. His body falls backwards and you stand frozen in shock. Suddenly Morgan is there, untying Carrie from the chair, and so are JJ and Reid, who had been in the hallway behind you without your knowledge. You feel like you can't breathe and you feel JJ gently push you from the room. She leads you outside and the wind hits your face and you feel like you might vomit.

"Y/N, are you okay? Talk to me." You hear JJ talking to you and some part of your brain says you should put up your fake smile and lie but you can't. In this moment, you can't pretend anymore.

The plane ride back to Quantico is uneventful. Most of the team sleeps but you keep your eyes trained out the window. It has been an even longer day than yesterday, somehow. You feel a hand on you knee and you realize that Morgan is awake. He leans forward so that your heads are just a few feet apart.

"You good, Y/N?"

"Yeah. Just tired. Long case."

"About what happened with Daniel... How much of that was true?"

You chuckle nervously and avoid Morgan's eyes. "Me? Oh c'mon. Have I never told you about my impressive acting skills? My high school newspaper called my Maria von Trapp 'dazzling.'"

You try to flash a smile, but it falters when you see he doesn't believe you. "I'm serious, little one. What's goin' on in that brain of yours? Surely you have to know what an important part of this team you are."

You feel the tears coming and do everything in your power to stop them but one still sneaks out. You wipe your cheek quickly. "It... It can be hard. Sometimes. I'm young. And I'm inexperienced and this doesn't come as naturally as-"

"Woa, woa, woa. Little one just because your young doesn't mean you don't know what you're doing. You had a great interaction with Daniel."

You can't help but scoff. "Great? Morgan. He killed himself right in front of me."

"But he didn't kill Carrie. Or you for that matter. Y/N, I think we both know he was hurting in a way that you couldn't possibly have helped." He leaned forward and grabs one of the hands that laid limp in your lap. "You need to see that you belong here. You matter and we need you. But we need you at the best you can be. And if that means going to see someone, taking sometime off, joining some kind of support group, then do it."

He stared down at your hand in his for a moment. "I'm here for you, Y/N. And so are Hotch, and Garcia, and Reid, and everyone else. We care about you. You don't have to hide this."

One of the first genuine smiles you've had in a long time creeps onto your face. "Thank you, Morgan," you whisper.

He smiles back. "Anytime, little one. Anytime."


End file.
